I seem to be stuck on a hamster wheel (a hamster being my spirit animal; after years of being called “hamster cheeks” at school, I might as well embrace it!) of events and feelings at present. The cycle goes: something positive happens fertility-wise i.e. a period, Dr Cerqui can see “activity” on my ovaries, or I have “symptoms” of ovulation. I get really excited and start fantasising about all things baby, confirm in my head that I still like the names I picked out years ago and start creating the most original baby announcement ever seen!  Then I will have a setback. In the last two years, this has either been illness or my periods stop again, or some expert/arsehole (technical term) will tell me that I’m wasting my time, or words to that effect, generally coupled with  a look which is somewhere between “you poor thing!” and “I’m pretty certain you’re a few sandwiches short of a picnic, love!” Then I drown my sorrows. Get angry and vent. Burst into fits of laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation. Decide that no one is telling ME I can’t have another baby! Find someone on the internet in the same situation, with a success story that I am clearly going to emulate! Wake up with the mother of all hangovers. Feel depressed and mope in bed for as long as possible. Eventually decide I need to snap out of it. Find another success story on the internet. Write down any supplement they used that I haven’t already tried and convince myself that positive mental attitude will bring success this time. Repeat cycle.

This lightbulb moment of realisation came to me during the laughter phase of the cycle this time.  I suddenly worked out the pattern…and laughed at the ridiculousness of it all.  Unfortunately it didn’t stop the monster hangover the next day. And, honestly, I’m not sure if it will even stop the cycle, because I’m just too damn stubborn to give up on it all! A friend who is in an almost identical situation to me (that I found out about through writing my blog incidentally, so there has been positives to come out of the apparent lunacy!) told me that she thinks she is going to give up trying with it all and it took me aback.  She might well be doing the right thing stepping away from it, because it has consumed my life in a lot of ways, but maybe they aren’t all negative.  I’m fitter and healthier than I was and I’m writing again, which has always been my passion, even though some may be less than apppreciative of my efforts! During a heated discussion (read: argument) about money (what else?!) the other night, Ian asked me if I was going to “keep MESSING ABOUT with my blog” and why didn’t I spend the time doing something that could actually make us some money! Oh, yes he did! He was extremely lucky not to lose his baby-making equipment in that argument, but that would have defeated the purpose of the last two years, so he remains intact…for now!  If you’re reading this, Ian, watch yourself and what the hell are you messing about reading my  blog for anyway, huh?! We love each other really, in a special married couple way…

We are on completely different pages right now however and this came to a head on Monday night.  Earlier that day, I went to my scan with Dr Cerqui to see if I had ovulated and was feeling pretty damn positive after last month’s “activity”. I had been exercising, eating healthily, Ian and I were in a good place, everything was hunky dory…except my ovaries clearly hadn’t got the memo and the excitement of last month must have been too much for them. No sign of an egg! I was disappointed, but still positive about how everything was going and then I got “the look” from Dr. Cerqui!  “Noooooo! Don’t do this to me! You’re not like the others! You’re always so nice and positive! Don’t go to the negative Nancy side of the fence!” Obviously these sentences were all playing out in my head, but as he asked where I wanted to go from here, I neatly (or so I hoped!) put him in his place and told him that I wanted to carry on with what we were doing, as things were as positive as they had been for the last 2 years and I wasn’t going to let the small matter of no egg stop my baby dreams! Before you get someone to explain the birds and the bees to me, I am aware that I WILL need an egg to have a baby and that sentence must have sounded ridiculous, but he was nice enough not to pick me up on it!  I held it together until I got to the car and then bawled like a baby.  How typically ironic.

I was making dinner, when Ian got home from work, talked about his day and did umpteen things before I snapped: “Are you ever going to ask how today went?!”  “Oh yeah, you went to see that guy, didn’t you? How did it go?”  The fact that this issue consumes pretty much my every waking minute led me to believe that it might be somewhat the same for him, but clearly not!  Men are from Mars and all that, but recounting the day’s events brought out all of my frustration and anger and many more emotions in between and before I knew it, I was in floods of tears. “This is the part where you hug me!” I sobbed.  After I’d let it all out, he said, “So where do you want to go from here?” (Man phrase of the day clearly!) and I knew what he was thinking without him saying anything.  He’s over the disappointment, the frustration, the unbalanced hormones, the spare room full of baby things just in case…and I don’t blame him.  But I’m not quite there with him yet.  Yes, I’m sick of it. Yes, I’m majorly frustrated. And angry. And upset. But I’m not willing to let it go yet. I have a few more avenues I want to explore and I have a determination and a gut feeling that I need to carry on.  Something inside is driving me and I don’t know what it is or if it will ever get me to my desired destination, but I just can’t stop yet.  And that might make me a crazy fool, but it’s a title I am willing to wear until I’ve exhausted every possibility.  There is a cut off point, but I’m not there just yet.

“Do you want a drink?” he said. (Eye roll). “Of course I want a bloody drink!”  Several rum and cokes in came the hamster wheel realisation.  Well, all the best ideas and theories come to you when you’ve had a few, don’t they?!  I relayed the theory to Ian, followed by a fit of hysterical laughter and he said “Can you just pick one emotion and roll with it for a while?! I can’t keep up!” and voluntarily gave me a cuddle! “No can do, sorry! You should try being me, it’s exhausting!” I admitted, and pressed shuffle on my iTunes.  The wise words of Jessie J resounded: “It’s okay not to be okay. Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart. Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising, just be true to who you are!” It’s funny how you can always make song lyrics fit your situation when you’ve had a few, but right then as I caterwauled the words at full volume, I was thinking “Preach, Jessie!” I’m not okay right now and that’s okay. I will process and re-evaluate and ultimately just go right round the same old hamster wheel again, because “dreaming is believing” right, Jessie?!